Father's Day

I got to spend the afternoon with my Pops today to celebrate Father's Day. The is the second time in two years that I was able to do that. Last year was different, because I was just visiting and we spent most of the day with his girlfriend's family. This year, it was just the two of us most of the day. We invited his girlfriend along, but she bowed out, allowing us to spend time together. Our plans didn't involve anything incredibly special, but I took him out to lunch and to a movie.

In between, we stopped and visited Juanita, a sweet little old lady he adopted and visits on a regular basis. Today she asked me, "Do you just not want to get married?" The question caught me a little off guard, but I thought about it for a few seconds and replied, "It's my Dad's fault I'm not married." They both looked surprised by my answer and I explained, "I've never met anyone who loves me or cares for me the way he does, and until I do, I'm gonna stay single."

It was kind of an off-the-cuff reply, but after I thought about it, I realized how true it was. I love you, Dad. Happy Father's Day!

Be grateful for your broken heart

I was looking through my notebooks tonight (trying to find a blank one, or at least one that was mostly blank and could be recycled for a new purpose) and I came across an entry I made about a year ago. At the time, I was reading Count Your Blessings by Dr. John F. DeMartini, a book about the healing power of gratitude and love. The book includes exercises to follow at the end of each chapter to embrace the "healing". Chapter 2 shares the title of today's blog entry. I wrote about my heartbreak over JS and I had to detail a few things about that heartbreak to get me on the road to healing. The reason this is important to me now is that once again I'm recovering from heartbreak over JS. The only difference is that now I know it's really over and nothing in this world could ever bring us together again. It's been a couple months since our relationship ended and I've really struggled with sadness and anger. It even happened that this afternoon I mentioned to a friend that my anger had melted into a passive hatred. I don't like living with hate in my heart and I've never really had a reason to hate anyone, but JS hurt me so badly, that forgiving him didn't seem possible. Reading this year-old entry in my journal helped me realize that in order to obliterate the hatred, I need to believe what I wrote a year ago:

DRAWBACKS - lost connection, miss his face, can't share humor, no more sex, no funny stories, can't experience his sweetness, miss his quirks, loss of tenderness, no new experiences, can't hear his voice, won't get to know his family, won't get to see him ride, won't feel his hugs, miss his kisses, no more showers together, won't travel together, missed opportunity for love.

BLESSINGS - taught me to laugh at new things, experienced new forms of art, new music, new movies, taught me to expand my thinking, helped me open up my mind to new ideas and concepts, shared wonderful sexual experiences, helped me find confidence in myself, opened my desire to explore, demonstrated flexibility and spontaneity, made me want more for myself, made me feel desired, challenged me, tested my patience, helped me open up, shared honestly, gave me freedom and options, open to sharing and talking, showed flaws without fear, strength of character.

WHAT I WOULD SAY TO HIM - JS, how can I thank you for all that you've brought to my life? You have shown me frustration and fun, joy and sorrow, and I'm grateful. Through this relationship experience, I've learned that I CAN love unconditionally and that, warts and all, you are a good man. Thank you for sharing your interests, your thoughts, your stories, and yourself with me. I am a richer person for knowing you and for having the opportunity to love you as much as you could allow me to.

The months following this breakup (on our way to reunion) were not easy ones. In some ways we had better experiences and in other ways, our relationship was not as good. What I know today is that no matter what issues we had, we were just not right for each other. The best I can do is walk away from this experience knowing a little more about myself and what I want in life and love and not being willing to settle for less. Even if that means I have to wait a long time for the right love. Another thing I know is that hating him only hurts me. Just because he hurt me, doesn't mean he is not the good man I believed him to be a year ago. It just means that he has growing to do, just like I do. Maybe now I can see my way towards forgiving him. In time...