Do you ever just get sick of hearing yourself?
I broke up with
my fiance in October and have been in mourning for the last couple of months. It's not just the loss of the relationship that I've been grieving, but other dreams that this relationship wakened in me and that I've now got to let go of. I spent a lot of time wallowing and then I finally decided to do something to help me work through my feelings and start the healing process. I've been reading "Getting Past Your Breakup" by Susan J. Elliott. Sheesh, this woman is tough! But I like her manner and she tells some harsh truths (that I needed to hear). In a way, she has slapped me out of my melancholy. She also has a
blog that I've been following and I've been enjoying reading it over the last week. I've posted a few comments and received a few replies from other heart-broken souls. She recommends in her book that we journal to help sort through our feelings and use pen and paper to vent. A lot of people do that on the blog as well and I did a little of that myself last night. When I woke up this morning, I immediately checked the site to see if I had any replies and I had two. One very determined person told me to basically stop my obsessive behavior and start doing the work I needed to do to get over the relationship. The second very sweet lady, commiserated with me and even shared her similar situation with me. Both posts (in their own way) motivated me to stop making excuses for not journaling and get to it.
So I searched through my piles of books until I found my old journal ... last real entry dated January 14, 2007 (boy, I really suck at journaling ... and blogging for that matter). I have a slight (at least I think so) version of OCD, so I am unable to leave gaping holes in my journal and just pick up with my current affairs. Therefore, I spent the better part of today (with many breaks) re-compiling my life and writing down in my journal the summary of my life from 2007 to 2009. I used a variety of sources to do this (picture files, this blog, Facebook (my history by year), my profile on LinkedIn, and my money program). It was interesting to look at my life during this 3-year period with my eyes, heart, and mind today. I have a particular perspective today about the events that occurred that I'm not sure I had when they were actually taking place. This is exactly why I need to do a better job of journaling routinely, so I can capture all that I'm thinking and feeling about what's going on in my life. Comparing what I thought and felt then to what I think and feel now would be great therapy for me and a lot cheaper than going to a professional (though I'm not opposed to that at all).
Anyhow, after I did all that today and went to church this afternoon, I came home and checked the site again to see what additional comments might be there. It was then that I had a flashback to a time several years ago when I was seeing an alcoholic and I thought that I needed to try Al-Anon and see if I could get some support so that I could be a better support to him. What struck me at the meeting was that everyone appeared to me to be whining and griping about things that they have been whining and griping about for years and not really doing anything productive to get over it and move on. It took all of my resolve to not shout at the entire group "SHUT UP ALREADY AND DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT". That one meeting was enough for me and I never went back. I immediately recognized that it was not the type of support and help I needed. I am a woman of action. If something is wrong, let's not sit around and complain about it, let's fix it and move on to something more interesting or fun.
So after a couple of months of being angry, hurt, sad, and disappointed and doing a lot of wallowing, I hit my limit today and got entirely tired of myself. Doesn't sound great, but I really think I reached a good place. So I must admit that this journaling has served me well. However, I can't be content with that and drop the ball again for another 5 years (ok, almost 6). Tomorrow I am going to pick up where I left off and perhaps I will be able to get though 2010 and 2011. I'm not going to push it to 2012 because I know that's going to require the rest of the year to get down. Plus, I have to do the rest of my "homework", which is going to involve taking some relationship inventory. I have been dreading it, but I'm actually looking forward to it now. I have 22 days to finish my "grief work" so that I can put it behind me and start the new year with a clean slate.
Catching Fire by Suzanne Collins
