Be grateful for your broken heart

I was looking through my notebooks tonight (trying to find a blank one, or at least one that was mostly blank and could be recycled for a new purpose) and I came across an entry I made about a year ago. At the time, I was reading Count Your Blessings by Dr. John F. DeMartini, a book about the healing power of gratitude and love. The book includes exercises to follow at the end of each chapter to embrace the "healing". Chapter 2 shares the title of today's blog entry. I wrote about my heartbreak over JS and I had to detail a few things about that heartbreak to get me on the road to healing. The reason this is important to me now is that once again I'm recovering from heartbreak over JS. The only difference is that now I know it's really over and nothing in this world could ever bring us together again. It's been a couple months since our relationship ended and I've really struggled with sadness and anger. It even happened that this afternoon I mentioned to a friend that my anger had melted into a passive hatred. I don't like living with hate in my heart and I've never really had a reason to hate anyone, but JS hurt me so badly, that forgiving him didn't seem possible. Reading this year-old entry in my journal helped me realize that in order to obliterate the hatred, I need to believe what I wrote a year ago:

DRAWBACKS - lost connection, miss his face, can't share humor, no more sex, no funny stories, can't experience his sweetness, miss his quirks, loss of tenderness, no new experiences, can't hear his voice, won't get to know his family, won't get to see him ride, won't feel his hugs, miss his kisses, no more showers together, won't travel together, missed opportunity for love.

BLESSINGS - taught me to laugh at new things, experienced new forms of art, new music, new movies, taught me to expand my thinking, helped me open up my mind to new ideas and concepts, shared wonderful sexual experiences, helped me find confidence in myself, opened my desire to explore, demonstrated flexibility and spontaneity, made me want more for myself, made me feel desired, challenged me, tested my patience, helped me open up, shared honestly, gave me freedom and options, open to sharing and talking, showed flaws without fear, strength of character.

WHAT I WOULD SAY TO HIM - JS, how can I thank you for all that you've brought to my life? You have shown me frustration and fun, joy and sorrow, and I'm grateful. Through this relationship experience, I've learned that I CAN love unconditionally and that, warts and all, you are a good man. Thank you for sharing your interests, your thoughts, your stories, and yourself with me. I am a richer person for knowing you and for having the opportunity to love you as much as you could allow me to.

The months following this breakup (on our way to reunion) were not easy ones. In some ways we had better experiences and in other ways, our relationship was not as good. What I know today is that no matter what issues we had, we were just not right for each other. The best I can do is walk away from this experience knowing a little more about myself and what I want in life and love and not being willing to settle for less. Even if that means I have to wait a long time for the right love. Another thing I know is that hating him only hurts me. Just because he hurt me, doesn't mean he is not the good man I believed him to be a year ago. It just means that he has growing to do, just like I do. Maybe now I can see my way towards forgiving him. In time...

Facebook ... the phenomena

I have been so distracted by life and all that entails that I have completely neglected my blog. This used to be my outlet for all the thoughts running amok in my brain ... a sounding board of sorts. There are so many offerings on the web these days. Sites. Games. Distractions. All shiny objects. There was MySpace (and still is, to be fair). But then came Facebook. I have become a Facebook addict. I have reconnected with old friends. Made new friends. Accepted "friends" that I was never that friendly with. I share funnies and insights. Post photographs. Share musings, frustrations, hopes, excitements, and so much more. I play games (love my farm ... don't get me started).

But the most surprising aspect of Facebook for me has been the status messages and ensuing comments. I have *fallen* into a Motley Crew of sorts and we take turns posting a status message that inspires random comments. Be they funny or thoughtful, crass or elegant, these thoughts and reflections have inspired me to some very deep thinking lately and I love it. I'll share what was posted today.

The original status message was simple enough and started with a not so unfamiliar quote and ended with a question: "Beauty is in the eye of the beholder, but who really defines beauty?". Many comments followed the original post and as I read it this morning, my gut reaction was to respond with something sassy or sarcastic, but for an instant, I stopped to wonder what the definition of beauty is. So, I looked it up in the dictionary. This is what I found: "the quality present in a thing or person that gives intense pleasure or deep satisfaction to the mind, whether arising from sensory manifestations (as shape, color, sound, etc.), a meaningful design or pattern, or something else (as a personality in which high spiritual qualities are manifest)." On second thought, I almost posted this in reply, but then I stopped and really thought about it more personally ... what is beauty to me? After sitting in front of my computer for quite some time, this is what I finally replied:

"I think what most of you are describing is attraction, connection, desire, and even love. From a woman's perspective, I rarely look at a man that I'm attracted to ... whether it's for his good looks, his sense of humor, his mind, his attitude, his personality, or so many other traits and qualites ... and think "he's beautiful". It's happened, but it's rare.

In a person, it encompasses all of the things you touched on and so much more. I believe beauty comes from the soul and radiates outward. Photographers can capture beauty but don't define it. Society tries to define it because they have to try and sell it. And because society has a need to define everything.

The answer lies within the question. Beauty is in the eyes of the beholder, but also in the mind and heart. And the definition of beauty falls to the beholder. It's very personal.

For me, beauty is about what touches, moves, and inspires me."

This is not the first time I have posted a comment about something that I truly sat and thought about. And because of this, I have been dubbed "Dr. Barb" by my fellow crew members.

I was already addicted to Facebook, but now I appreciate it for something else ... it connects me with others who like me, think "deep thoughts" and also, it inspires me to think and ponder the mysteries of life even more. It has touched, moved, and inspired me. Beauty...

A Balancing Act

Recent events in my life have thrown me somewhat off balance. I've known for a long time that I have an extremist nature. When I do something, I give it 100% and go non-stop until I complete it or burn out. It's happened before. This is the first time it's happened emotionally. I've finally realized (or dared to admit) that I am a relationship crutch for my family. I expend too much effort trying to support and maintain other relationships in my family that have nothing to do with me. I put myself in that position and have let the others abuse me in it.

I guess it's always the case of the straw that broke the camel's back. An accident in the family was that final straw. I just couldn't deal with it. Having never been in that situation before, I found myself battling a bit of depression. I've never been depressed before, sad yes, depressed no. The difference to me is that I wasn't able to pull myself out of my funk. I've always been able to before, but this time was different. I needed help. I'm lucky ... I have really good friends and family who love me, but for whatever reason, they couldn't help me. They weren't the lifeline I needed.

So, I'm seeing a therapist for the first time in my life. This has been a good thing for me on many levels. I'll admit that I've always assigned a stigma to therapy ... it's only for the weak (and I'm not weak). My eyes have been opened to the fact that it is just another means of support and what I'm finding that I love about it, is that my therapist is objective. It's nice to know that friends and family are on my side, but they don't always have the perspective that I need when I'm trying to figure out what's best for me. I need someone who's not close to me to show me what I'm not seeing in the big picture of my life as well as in the details. Primarily in maintaining a healthy balance in my relationships. This applies to family and friends. I'm not here to save the world, but I am here to do what I can for those I love. However, there should be boundaries. I need to face the fact that if I'm not healthy, then I'm no good to myself or anyone else. It's all about balance.