Shut up already

Do you ever just get sick of hearing yourself?

I broke up with my fiance in October and have been in mourning for the last couple of months.  It's not just the loss of the relationship that I've been grieving, but other dreams that this relationship wakened in me and that I've now got to let go of.  I spent a lot of time wallowing and then I finally decided to do something to help me work through my feelings and start the healing process.  I've been reading "Getting Past Your Breakup" by Susan J. Elliott.  Sheesh, this woman is tough!  But I like her manner and she tells some harsh truths (that I needed to hear).  In a way, she has slapped me out of my melancholy.  She also has a blog that I've been following and I've been enjoying reading it over the last week.  I've posted a few comments and received a few replies from other heart-broken souls.  She recommends in her book that we journal to help sort through our feelings and use pen and paper to vent.  A lot of people do that on the blog as well and I did a little of that myself last night.  When I woke up this morning, I immediately checked the site to see if I had any replies and I had two.  One very determined person told me to basically stop my obsessive behavior and start doing the work I needed to do to get over the relationship.  The second very sweet lady, commiserated with me and even shared her similar situation with me.  Both posts (in their own way) motivated me to stop making excuses for not journaling and get to it.

So I searched through my piles of books until I found my old journal ... last real entry dated January 14, 2007 (boy, I really suck at journaling ... and blogging for that matter).  I have a slight (at least I think so) version of OCD, so I am unable to leave gaping holes in my journal and just pick up with my current affairs.  Therefore, I spent the better part of today (with many breaks) re-compiling my life and writing down in my journal the summary of my life from 2007 to 2009.  I used a variety of sources to do this (picture files, this blog, Facebook (my history by year), my profile on LinkedIn, and my money program).  It was interesting to look at my life during this 3-year period with my eyes, heart, and mind today.  I have a particular perspective today about the events that occurred that I'm not sure I had when they were actually taking place.  This is exactly why I need to do a better job of journaling routinely, so I can capture all that I'm thinking and feeling about what's going on in my life.  Comparing what I thought and felt then to what I think and feel now would be great therapy for me and a lot cheaper than going to a professional (though I'm not opposed to that at all).

Anyhow, after I did all that today and went to church this afternoon, I came home and checked the site again to see what additional comments might be there.  It was then that I had a flashback to a time several years ago when I was seeing an alcoholic and I thought that I needed to try Al-Anon and see if I could get some support so that I could be a better support to him.  What struck me at the meeting was that everyone appeared to me to be whining and griping about things that they have been whining and griping about for years and not really doing anything productive to get over it and move on.  It took all of my resolve to not shout at the entire group "SHUT UP ALREADY AND DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT".  That one meeting was enough for me and I never went back.  I immediately recognized that it was not the type of support and help I needed.  I am a woman of action.  If something is wrong, let's not sit around and complain about it, let's fix it and move on to something more interesting or fun.

So after a couple of months of being angry, hurt, sad, and disappointed and doing a lot of wallowing, I hit my limit today and got entirely tired of myself.  Doesn't sound great, but I really think I reached a good place.  So I must admit that this journaling has served me well.  However, I can't be content with that and drop the ball again for another 5 years (ok, almost 6).  Tomorrow I am going to pick up where I left off and perhaps I will be able to get though 2010 and 2011.  I'm not going to push it to 2012 because I know that's going to require the rest of the year to get down.  Plus, I have to do the rest of my "homework", which is going to involve taking some relationship inventory.  I have been dreading it, but I'm actually looking forward to it now.  I have 22 days to finish my "grief work" so that I can put it behind me and start the new year with a clean slate.

There is a sacredness in tears...

I have been having an amazing rekindling of my relationship with my Dad since I moved back home. My Dad and I are so much alike that it's often difficult for us to talk, but since coming home, I have made a concentrated effort to get to know my Dad as a person and as a man. I lived with him briefly upon my return and that was somewhat difficult, but we have found new balance with each other since I moved into my own place a few months ago. It's taken me some time to get my home in order, but it's nice and cozy now and I've been having company over on a regular basis. This includes weekly dinners with my Dad.

Tonight I made honey glazed salmon with au gratin rice and sauteed zucchini and squash. Following dinner, we sat and enjoyed our wine and had a great conversation about family and how he got started with the mariachis. This was a follow up to our first dinner in my home last week. I'm finding that even though I have a lot in common with my Dad, but I don't know him very well. I'm taking full advantage of the time and proximity that God has given me to know my Dad and to appreciate who he is, and by extension, who I am because of him. After he left tonight, it really hit me what a gift this is and the love that was overflowing in my heart spilled out. In words and in tears, and then I found this quote:

“There is a sacredness in tears. They are not the mark of weakness, but of power. They speak more eloquently than ten thousand tongues. They are messengers of overwhelming grief...and unspeakable love.” ~ Washington Irving

I have always embraced and appreciated my weepiness, but this quote embodies what my tears really mean to me. And demonstrate the extent to which I feel. For which I am neither embarrassed about, nor apologize for. I am blessed.

Father's Day

I got to spend the afternoon with my Pops today to celebrate Father's Day. The is the second time in two years that I was able to do that. Last year was different, because I was just visiting and we spent most of the day with his girlfriend's family. This year, it was just the two of us most of the day. We invited his girlfriend along, but she bowed out, allowing us to spend time together. Our plans didn't involve anything incredibly special, but I took him out to lunch and to a movie.

In between, we stopped and visited Juanita, a sweet little old lady he adopted and visits on a regular basis. Today she asked me, "Do you just not want to get married?" The question caught me a little off guard, but I thought about it for a few seconds and replied, "It's my Dad's fault I'm not married." They both looked surprised by my answer and I explained, "I've never met anyone who loves me or cares for me the way he does, and until I do, I'm gonna stay single."

It was kind of an off-the-cuff reply, but after I thought about it, I realized how true it was. I love you, Dad. Happy Father's Day!

Be grateful for your broken heart

I was looking through my notebooks tonight (trying to find a blank one, or at least one that was mostly blank and could be recycled for a new purpose) and I came across an entry I made about a year ago. At the time, I was reading Count Your Blessings by Dr. John F. DeMartini, a book about the healing power of gratitude and love. The book includes exercises to follow at the end of each chapter to embrace the "healing". Chapter 2 shares the title of today's blog entry. I wrote about my heartbreak over JS and I had to detail a few things about that heartbreak to get me on the road to healing. The reason this is important to me now is that once again I'm recovering from heartbreak over JS. The only difference is that now I know it's really over and nothing in this world could ever bring us together again. It's been a couple months since our relationship ended and I've really struggled with sadness and anger. It even happened that this afternoon I mentioned to a friend that my anger had melted into a passive hatred. I don't like living with hate in my heart and I've never really had a reason to hate anyone, but JS hurt me so badly, that forgiving him didn't seem possible. Reading this year-old entry in my journal helped me realize that in order to obliterate the hatred, I need to believe what I wrote a year ago:

DRAWBACKS - lost connection, miss his face, can't share humor, no more sex, no funny stories, can't experience his sweetness, miss his quirks, loss of tenderness, no new experiences, can't hear his voice, won't get to know his family, won't get to see him ride, won't feel his hugs, miss his kisses, no more showers together, won't travel together, missed opportunity for love.

BLESSINGS - taught me to laugh at new things, experienced new forms of art, new music, new movies, taught me to expand my thinking, helped me open up my mind to new ideas and concepts, shared wonderful sexual experiences, helped me find confidence in myself, opened my desire to explore, demonstrated flexibility and spontaneity, made me want more for myself, made me feel desired, challenged me, tested my patience, helped me open up, shared honestly, gave me freedom and options, open to sharing and talking, showed flaws without fear, strength of character.

WHAT I WOULD SAY TO HIM - JS, how can I thank you for all that you've brought to my life? You have shown me frustration and fun, joy and sorrow, and I'm grateful. Through this relationship experience, I've learned that I CAN love unconditionally and that, warts and all, you are a good man. Thank you for sharing your interests, your thoughts, your stories, and yourself with me. I am a richer person for knowing you and for having the opportunity to love you as much as you could allow me to.

The months following this breakup (on our way to reunion) were not easy ones. In some ways we had better experiences and in other ways, our relationship was not as good. What I know today is that no matter what issues we had, we were just not right for each other. The best I can do is walk away from this experience knowing a little more about myself and what I want in life and love and not being willing to settle for less. Even if that means I have to wait a long time for the right love. Another thing I know is that hating him only hurts me. Just because he hurt me, doesn't mean he is not the good man I believed him to be a year ago. It just means that he has growing to do, just like I do. Maybe now I can see my way towards forgiving him. In time...